Visiting Pennsylvania, or why I hate keyless cars!

I spent the past week visiting with my family in NE PA.  I left Arkansas on a late flight out of Little Rock on Veteran's day.  I had a short layover in Atlanta, and then continued on to the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton airport in Avoca.  We landed a few minutes before midnight.

My first mission was to pick up the rental car I reserved with Hertz.  When I talked to the counter person, she informed me that I could only rent a car using a major credit card.  No debit cards!  Then why didn't they advertise this fact on the website I used to make the reservation?!  ARGH!  So, what's my option at midnight??

Luckily, Avis accepts debit cards.  Hurray, I'm saved.  I completed the forms, signed and received the fobs.  OK.  So, I headed out the door.  BRRRRRRRRR.  It's windy and cold, 34F.  I wandered around in the rental car parking lot for a few minutes and finally found the car.  I unlocked the car, put my carry-on luggage in the trunk, and try to figure out exactly HOW to start this Altima.... Now, my car is a 2006 Scion XB.  No fancy options.  No bluetooth. I don't really understand exactly WHAT bluetooth is.....another wireless technology (not WIFI).  Anyway, I sit there looking at the un-illuminated dashboard.  Wondering.  My niece Tricia calls on the cellphone.  We chat for a moment, and then I ask the ultimate question: "Tricia, how do I start a keyless car?"  "My friend has one, I think she just pushes the START button."  OK.  I try that.  Nope, that doesn't work.  I try several combinations of pushing the start button while trying other things.... Maybe the seat belt has to be on.  Maybe I need to turn the headlights on... Where the hell is the interior light??!!

I finally succeed in finding the interior lights.  The damn bluetooth display says, "Invalid protocol" or some such unhelpful declaration. I finally query Google, "How to start an keyless Altima".  No YouTube videos come right up.  A few blog posts, which weren't very helpful, are available.  Most note that the Altima is a very popular model car.  I'm not impressed so far!

I check the glove compartment, no owner's manual.  Of course not.  Why would you want to look at the owner's manual for a rental car?!  Well, shit!

I have now wasted 20 minutes.  So, in a huff; I unload my carry-on, grab my purse and head back to the Avis counter.  Thankfully, the lady hasn't left yet.  "I can not start this damn car!"

She looked at me like I had 3 heads, "What?"  "I can not start this car!  I have an 11 year old car. With a key.  I have driven since I was 14.  I can start a car, minibike, golf cart, tractor, lawnmower!  Not that damn car!"  She takes the fob and says, "I will check it out, stay here."

After another 10 minutes or so, she pulls up with the car.  "You couldn't start it because you'd had too many failed attempts and it locked you out!".  Great.  So, what is the trick?  "You have 7 seconds from the time you unlock the car to sit in the driver's seat, step on the break & press the START button."  Seven seconds??  and where do I find this information?!!"  "Oh, it's not publicized.  It's a safety feature."  Well, it sure as hell is safe from me!

"OK.  So, how do I start this *&^%#$$%%^&**&&**(### without the fault?!"  "Just step on the break & press the start button."  "Couldn't you have told me this when you gave me the damn fob??!!"  Her reply?  "I thought everyone knew how to start one!"  Well, young lady, NOT EVERYONE owns a new model car!

By this time, it's past 12:30.  I call my mother to inform her I haven't been sucked into the twilight zone... I'm just having technical issues.

So, I get back into the car.  My first task is to make sure I CAN start it.  Step on the break & push the button.  Yes, that works.  The air is now black with my sailor language... but at least I am making progress.

Now I turn to my trusty cell phone & try to get directions from the Avoca airport to Dallas.  I know I have to get onto Interstate 80 (or is it 81??) and make several transfers quickly onto the Cross Valley Expressway.

I left Pennsylvania in 1979 when joined the Navy.  I have visited many times in the early 1980's when I was stationed in Newport, RI.  If I had to fly, one of my relatives always picked me up.  I only visited a few times in the 1990's. I lived in Mount Vernon, WA then.  I visited in 2004 & 2005.  I drove from Georgia for both those visits.  I visited last fall, but I landed during the day.  I have NEVER driven from (or to) the airport in the dark.

Anyway, Google maps indicated I should "head N I-81".  OK...  I notice the bluetooth display still indicated "Invalid protocol".  I follow the signs and manage to find my way out of the airport and on to I-81 north.  As I'm trying to get in the correct lanes, (and miss all the barrels, cones, cement barricades) I try to look at the cellphone display.  I miss a turn, drive several miles before I can turn around.... get off the interstate & turn around.... get back onto the interstate.... and after another 30 minutes see a sign "Binghamton 25"! I'm not supposed to be going to Upstate New York!

Now the air is very black with sailor talk.  "F***** ME!"   I hate driving in Pennsylvania!

I finally manage to get OFF the I-81.  I find a nice, well light & empty parking lot.  My cellphone still indicates "Head N I-81".  What the hell is going on???!!!  At this point, I am ready to happily use dynamite on this Altima.  I notice the "Invalid protocol" again.... Interesting.  So, I start pressing random buttons on the controls near the bluetooth display.    Purely by chance, I finally find a menu for "bluetooth controls" and turn the bluetooth off.  At last!  My cellphone is now responding!  Google maps now indicates I've driven 35 miles in the wrong direction on my 14 mile trip between the airport and my mother's apartment!  CRAP!

It's now after 1:00 AM.  I call my mother, again.  "Oh hi Mom.  I'm fine.  I'm just driving around in circles in the dark.  Oh no, nothing's wrong.  I'm just an idiot who doesn't know how to use technology.  I will be there as soon as I can figure out where I am and how to head in the right direction".

At this point, I must point out: I was an E-6 Intelligence Specialist in the Navy.  I can read maps like nobody's business.  I can navigate in the wood.  I can find my way around satellite imagery.  Make a strip chart. But, I can not get this damn car to stop messing with me!  If I could have located an open gas station or mini mart, I would have purchased a paper map & found 50 ways to get from where I was to where I wanted to go...

Finally, I get Google Maps under control.  I find the route I want (NOT on the Interstate) and make my way to the Cross Valley Expressway.  And by 1:45 I arrive at my mother apartment.  She seems to have taken my vanishing act to New York in stride.  "Come on in.  Would you like some tea?"  "Yes, thanks Mom.  That would be great!"

After using the Altima for a week, I came to the following conclusions:

1 - The 7 second "rule" isn't true.  I could doddle along as long as I wanted after I unlocked the doors.  Open the trunk... Open all the doors...

2 - You CAN NOT open the doors from the inside as long as the engine is on!  WHAT THE HELL??!!  Maybe I WANT to open the door while the car's on.  Maybe someone in just getting in (or out).  Why MUST I shut the car off??!!

3 - The *&^%#@$%&&*(^%$$ bluetooth will NEVER be on when I am trying to use my cellphone.  I do NOT want the car to control my communications!

4 - I am a Luddite!  My younger family members found the whole story intensely amusing. I did NOT.

5 - Websites that don't inform you a major credit card is required for all transactions take advantage of poor, lost and confused middle-aged travelers.  Thank the maker, there was another option.  I guess I would have waited for a bus otherwise...